Christian's Search For A BodyGuard

Discussion in 'IWT Archives' started by CM Punk, Jan 17, 2014.

  1. [​IMG]

    - We see Christian waiting at a table awaiting for the applicants

    - Alkaline walks over to Christian's table

    Alkaline: Hello sir, welcome to Rabbit feeder, may I take your... Christian, is that you?

    Christian: Alkaline? What the hell are you doing here?

    Alkaline: Yeah... I kinda broke something here a while back, and I didn't feel like paying for it. So they're having me work it off. Wait... what are you doing here?

    Christian: How often do you ask your customers that? It's a restaurant god dammit. I'm a vegan... Oh! And I'm looking for a body guard for next week as I am hosting the first ever Peep Show!

    - Christian hands a flier to Alkaline

    Alkaline: Bodyguard? Dude, you should let me be your bodyguard! I'd be great at it!

    Christian: Really? Then take a seat.

    - Alkaline takes a seat

    Christian: So, what are your specialties?

    Alkaline: Well I'm damn good at making a Greek salad, Italian salad, Asian salad, Swedish salad... Let's just say I make a mean salad! The falafel supreme is also to recommend...

    Christian: I was talking about your ACTUAL specialties... like a talent that you possess. And I'll take a Greek salad.

    Alkaline: Well then I mean just look at me! First off I am a very handsome man. I work out, I'm athletic, I'm fun. I know how to wrestle. And I know the dreaded Armenian nipple twister special.

    Christian: Riiiiight...

    - Christian notes the information down

    - We see a man outside looking at Christian's bodyguard flier and the restaurant
    - The man walks inside the restaurant and walks up to Christian's table
    - The man glares at Christian with a dirty look

    Xanth: You're a bad person. YOU'RE A BAD PERSON!

    - Xanth crumples up the flier and throws it at Christian's face as he marches outside of the restaurant

    - Christian seems confused

    Christian: What the hell is up with that guy?

    Alkaline: Well I know someone who could have used a salad... or five.

    Christian: Well, it was great talking to you Alkaline. I'll get back to you if you got the job.

    Alkaline: C'mon man! I really need this job, Omar in the kitchen has this massive unibrow and it's creeping me the freck out! It stares into my soul man! My soul!

    Christian: First of all... let go of my collar, it's very expensive.

    - Alkaline releases Christian's collar

    Christian: I said I'll get back at you. I'm a busy man, look at all the people waiting for this interview.

    - Christian points behind Alkaline

    - Alkaline turns around and sees no one in sight

    Alkaline: There's no one there?

    Christian: Way to be negative, cochino.

    Alkaline: Dude, I'm don't speak French.

    Christian: Yeah, and you don't speak Spanish either. Alright, you should get back to work. I'll contact you if you got the job.

    - Alkaline slowly backs away from the table

    Alkaline: Think about it dude. Think about it...

    - Christian notes a few stuff down

    - An unknown man approaches Christian's table and takes a seat

    - Christian gets prepared to write notes down

    Christian: State your name?

    Unknown: You don't need to know that...

    - Christian looks up at the man

    Christian: Woah! What the fuck is up with that mask? Are you ugly or possibly worse... a ginger? Ugh, it doesn't matter. What do you specialize in?

    Unknown: Dissecting people limb by limb, seeing them tear up in agony as I rip each muscle apart as blood drips from their faces while they beg... for mercy...

    - Unknown starts laughing manically

    - Christian looks a bit terrified and moves his seat back a bit

    Christian: Riiight, that sounds pretty good for a bodyguard. I mean, you would be serving and protecting. When can you start?

    Unknown: Start? Start what?

    Christian: A bodyguard position for The Peep Show in IWT? Why else would you want to sit at my table?

    Unknown: Huh? I'm not here to work for you.

    - A waiter approaches Christian's table holding with vegan cupcakes on tray

    Waiter: Here you go sir!

    Unknown: Yeah bitch! I love these cupcakes!

    - Unknown munches down on the cupcake and laughs manically

    Unknown: Also, put it on this guys bill!

    - Unknown continues to laugh and munches down on the cupcake

    - Christian slowly backs away from the table and sits down at another table
    - Christian nods his head in disappointment and takes a deep breath

    - A man takes a seat at Christian's new table

    - Christian looks up and realizes the man

    Christian: Hey, you're that former World Heavyweight Champion dude, aren't you?

    Suicide: Yeah, that would be me. You're the dude that just faked his retirement and brought back the World title, right?

    Christian: No, I'm fucking Barney the Dinosaur.

    - Christian looks at Suicide in a pissed manner as he waits for his response
    - Christian gets no response

    Christian: YES, I'm the World Heavyweight Champion. It says that in the fucking flier, doesn't it?

    Suicide: Wait, there's a flier? I thought this was a blind date. So, what's this flier about?

    - Christian inhales heavily

    Christian: I'M NOT GAY! And it's to be the bodyguard for The Peep Show in IWT.

    Suicide: Oh, I had assumed you were, being from Canada and all. Anyways, I'm interested, what do I need to do to get the part?

    - Christian seems frustrated

    Christian: State your name and specialties.

    Suicide: My name is Suicide and my specialties would have to be pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain.

    Christian: I meant a set of skills or talent. Ugh, I really need to use better terminology.

    Suicide: Those are two of my best talents, I'd say I'm also good at standing up for long periods of time so I'd make an ideal bodyguard.

    Christian: Can you serve and protect?

    Suicide: I thought this was about applying to be a bodyguard, not a cop. I guess I could though.

    Christian: Are you sure you can? I mean, you did lose the World Heavyweight Championship pretty fast.

    Suicide: At least I didn't bitch and whine when I lost it.

    - Christian grabs his head in frustration

    Christian: Whatever man.

    - Christian notes stuff down and hands the note to Suicide

    Christian: You're hired. Come to this address next week and if you somehow get lost, I included my office number.

    Suicide: Thanks, I'll be there!

    - Alkaline stares from afar

    Alkaline: YOU GAVE HIM THE JOB! Why, Christian why?!

    - Alkaline rushes to the table with a knife

    Christian: Hey Suicide, serve and protect...

    - Christian glances next to him as he sees that Suicide is gone

    Christian: WHAT THE FUCK!

    - Christian rushes outside of the restaurant as Alkaline chases him

    - Scene
    • Like Like x 9
  2. *Christian and Alkaline runs past Reagan Cole who is jogging down the street*
    Cole: wait...what was that?
    *Cole looks back and sees Christian and Alkaline*
    Cole: okay then...somebody chasing a champion with a knife...what have i got myself into?
    *Cole starts jogging again*
    • Like Like x 1
  3. OOC: Very nice segment
    • Like Like x 1