Finished Script - Likeness

Discussion in 'Locker Room' started by Dat Kid, Sep 26, 2013.

  1. A couple weeks ago I posted a thread with 3 ideas for my next film. I was going to do the one the most of you voted for, but I was told it was too long for the class I'm in, so instead I'm doing my original idea and I've written a script for it. I would really LOVE feedback on this, good and bad. It'll look like a long read but it's not. I just had to write it in screenplay format. Hope it isn't boring LOL

    and btw (O.S) stands for off screen.

    Likeness
    Show Spoiler

    INT - Duncan's House - Bathroom

    DUNCAN, 22, slightly muscular, wearing basketball shorts and a tank top, walks into the bathroom. He goes to the toilet, and starts to pee. He catches sight of himself in the mirror, and begins to flex his fledgling arm muscles, straining to make some sort of definition visible. While lost in the mirror, he neglects to pay attention to his stream of pee, and starts peeing on the floor.

    DUNCAN

    Shit!

    Duncan quickly corrects himself, his mind on his task. The sound of loud knocking startles him.

    Terry (O.s)

    Duncan, what did I tell you about jackin off in the bathroom!

    Duncan is startled and loses control of his pee again. He finishes peeing.

    DUNCAN

    God da- I'm not jacking off dad!

    TERRY (O.S)

    Don't lie to me boy! Get your ass down here!

    Duncan throws toilet paper on the floor to clean the pee.

    TERRY (O.S)

    And wash your damn hands boy!

    Duncan makes a strangling motion at the door and rolls his eyes. With one more look at himself in the mirror, he heads for the door.

    cut to:

    int. Duncan's house - Living room - day

    Duncan walks into the room to see Terry, 45, overweight and sloppy, sitting lazily on the old, sagging couch watching football. The carpeting is old and stained, and the lights are off, the only light coming from the loud television set.

    DUNCAN

    What, dad?

    Terry barely moves to look at Duncan.

    TERRY

    Don't you take that tone with me, boy. Where did you put the goddamned remote?

    duncan

    The remote?

    TERRY

    What, am I speaking Chinese? Am I going to make you some fucking dumplings in a minute? Yeah, the remote!

    Duncan looks around, and sees the remote under the sagging couch.

    duncan

    Dad, you're the only one who watches TV here. Why would I know that?

    TERRY

    Well, you're the only one who moves things around in here, so I figured you'd know!

    duncan

    What, you mean when I clean up?

    TERRY

    Boy, you better find that remote, or I'll clean you up, understand?

    Duncan sighs, and walks over to the sofa. He gets down on his hands and knees, almost right under where his father is sitting on the couch, and fishes the remote from under the couch. He stands up, tosses the remote onto his father's lap, and dusts himself off. Terry uses the remote to turn the already loud TV up a notch, and puts the remote back on his lap, which slides back onto the floor.

    Duncan, exasperated, turns to leave, and starts walking to the front door. Terry sees him moving to go out.

    TERRY

    Hey, pick me up some Bengay while your out.

    Duncan turns back towards his father.

    duncan

    Hey, why don't you go out and get it yourself? Its right down the street.

    TERRY

    Hey, you know what else is right down the street? Your filthy crackwhore of a mom, that's who!

    duncan

    (shocked)

    Dad!

    TERRY

    What, why do you care? She left because she couldn't be bothered to raise your ugly mug, didn't she? The fuck do you care what I say? Im all you've got! Just do what I say, and we wont have any problems, okay?

    Duncan hangs his head and looks defeated.

    duncan

    Do you have any money for me, at least?

    TERRY

    Didn't I give you twenty dollars, like yesterday ?

    duncan

    That was like two weeks ago!

    TERRY

    Make it work, boy.

    Duncan grabs a small backpack by the door, and walks out of the house.

    cut to:

    Ext. Duncans house - Day

    Duncan emerges from his house, to a small, working class suburb, bathed in sunshine. He starts walking up the street. He comes across MARISSA, 21, wearing work out clothes, getting out of her Honda Civic in front of the house next door to Duncans'. She waves at Duncan.

    Marissa

    Hey, Dunc! I heard you've been working out lately?

    Duncan feigns a humble look.

    DUNCAN

    Yeah, I've been going for about a month, you know...Heavy weight training.

    marissa

    Heavy weight training, huh? I can tell; you look great!

    duncan

    Yeah, I'm actually on my way now.

    marissa

    Cool. Well, we definitely need to hit the gym together sometime! Hey, how's your dad? I haven't seen him in a while...

    Duncan looks down and grabs his arm, embarrassed.

    duncan

    He's doing okay...He's...Well, its football season, so he's really involved with that...

    Marissa nods knowingly, and smiles.

    marissa

    I hear ya. Before my dad quit drinking, he was constantly at the bar for Giants games, drinking with his friends...I wouldn't see him for months, until after the superbowl!

    duncan

    (too enthusiastically)

    Yeah, that's what he's been up to, he's with his friends!

    From inside Duncan's house:

    TERRY

    Fucking Tebow! You praying ****!

    Duncan and Marissa stand awkwardly outside after this outburst from Terry.

    Marissa

    Well, have a good workout, today, Duncan.

    duncan

    (Extremely embarrassed)

    I'll see you later.

    Duncan continues to walk up the street; Marissa goes into her house.

    cut to:

    Int. Gym - freeweight area - day

    Duncan lifts some twelve pound weights, while looking at himself in the mirror. He is careful to make sure that he is in full view of the treadmills, where several attractive women are jogging. Duncan keeps glancing over to the treadmill area.

    DUNCAN

    Looking good...Just a few more reps and I'll be ripped like a wrestler!

    A weightlifter comes over to the free-weight area, where Duncan is still playing around with the twelve pound weights. The weightlifter nods and smiles in a friendly manner at Duncan, and then picks up a lat bar with fifty pound on each sides, and starts lifting it, grunting each time. Duncan, ashamed of the small weights he was lifting, starts to walk away. His REFLECTION, independent of Duncan's movement, watches him walk away, and rolls its eyes.

    cut to:

    int. gym - showers - day

    Duncan, wearing a towel around his waist and alone in the shower room, looks at himself carefully in the mirror. He flexes in front of the mirror, looking at his muscles.

    DUNCAN

    Yeah...Thats not too bad, Im getting there!

    At that point, his REFLECTION makes a nasty face at Duncan.

    REflection

    Getting where? Into stand up comedy?

    Duncan looks shocked, and looks around to make sure no one is watching him.

    duncan

    Am I going crazy?

    reflection

    Why not? Everything else about you sucks, Dinkan. Your muscles, your life, and even those lips look like they suck an unprecedented amount of your dads cock!

    duncan

    Uhhh!

    reflection

    Oh, too much? Here's how much I care:

    The Reflection turns around, and flashes his bare ass at Duncan.

    duncan

    Hey, fuck you, buddy!

    reflection

    I bet you want to, don't ya? I'd tell you to 'go fuck yourself', but I'd be too afraid you'd like it!

    Duncan, looking progressively more disturbed with the conversation, balls his fist, a vein popping out in his head.

    duncan

    Shut up!

    reflection

    Why don't you do something unprecedented: Hit me!

    duncan

    Is that what you want? You really want a fistful of yourself?

    reflection

    You don't have the balls!

    Duncan loses control, and hits the mirror. He gets pulled into the mirror and vanishes from the showers.

    cut to:

    ext. gym - afternoon

    Duncan is dropped onto the sidewalk outside of the gym. The sky is green, casting a grisly yellow-green light over everything. Duncan slowly gets up, his hand bleeding from hitting the mirror. Bewildered, he looks around, and sees the friendly weightlifter from inside the gym.

    DUNCAN

    Hey man -

    The weightlifter looks dangerously in Duncan's direction, glaring at him. He stops, and starts approaching Duncan, menacingly. Duncan, frightened, starts backing away, and runs back towards his house.

    cut to:

    ext. duncans house - afternoon

    Duncan walks up his now glowing street, and walks up to see Marissa, wearing a dress suit, getting into a Hummer. He walks quickly up to her.

    DUNCAN

    Hey Marissa, have you noticed anything strange going on?

    Marissa fixes Duncan with a cold stare. She speaks with a slightly aristocratic diction.

    marissa

    Other than you talking to me, you mean? I really couldn't tell you.

    DUNCAN

    What - what's your deal? We've known each other for years -

    marissa

    Have we? I seem to remember regarding you with disgust, from as far away as possible.

    Duncan, wrongfooted, pauses.

    marissa

    Why don't you go back to your painfully small aspirations, no?

    Marissa laughs evilly.

    marissa

    Muscle builder? Please. The closest you will ever be to big muscles is to work as a bus boy at Sizzler.

    Marissa regards Duncan coldly, and then suddenly turns to walk into her home.

    Duncan, visibly confused and depressed, goes into his house.

    cut to:

    int. Duncan's house - living room- later

    Duncan walks quickly through the door, closes it, and slumps against it, sliding to the floor. Terry walks into the living room, well dressed in khakis and a Cosby sweater.

    TERRY

    Oh, Duncan! Whats wrong, buddy?

    Duncan looks at Terry incredulously.

    DUNCAN

    What the hell are you talking about?

    Terry looks cross for a moment.

    TERRY

    What have I told you about that language, young man? Why don't you come into the dining room and tell me all about it. I made Coq Au Vin - your favorite!

    Terry helps Duncan up off the floor, who in turn looks incredibly confused.

    CUT TO:

    int. Duncans house - Dining Room - evening

    Duncan and Terry walk to a nice dinner table, with a clean tablecloth, fully set for three people, and sit down. The table has a nice looking chicken dish, obviously carefully made. Duncan looks over to the extra place at the table. Terry notices his glance.

    TERRY

    I know, you always make fun of me. I keep setting it out of respect for her, you know.

    DUNCAN

    Why, though?

    TERRY

    Duncan, just because she's dead doesn't mean we should forget her. Her memory lives on in us, right?

    Terry smiles, and folds his hands. Duncan just watches Terry.

    TERRY

    Bless us o lord, and these thy gifts...

    Duncan, still looking at his father, looks with longing at the dining room, and sadly at the empty third place.

    TERRY (cont)

    which we are about to recieve from your bounty, through Christ our Lord. Amen.

    Terry unfolds his hands and starts dishing Duncan some food.

    DUNCAN

    Wait!

    Terry stops, looking genuinly concerned.

    TERRY

    What, son? Whats got you so bothered?

    DUNCAN

    Its just...Everything seems so backward! I feel like everything reversed itself...

    Terry leans back, chuckling.

    TERRY

    Reversed itself? How do you mean? Whats bothering you, son?

    Duncan, increasingly agitated.

    DUNCAN

    Its everything! You bullying the hell out of me; no one takes me seriously, and Im really, really unhappy!

    Terry looks confused.

    TERRY

    I bully you?

    Duncan pauses, deep in thought.

    DUNCAN

    Well, not you, I guess...Im confused.

    Duncan sighs and puts his head in his hands.

    TERRY

    Is someone bullying you?

    DUNCAN

    Yes, someone bullys me.

    Duncan looks into Terry's eyes.

    DUNCAN

    Someone abuses me, and neglects me. Someone makes me feel like I don't have a right to exist, when all Im trying to do is live my life, you know?

    Duncan sighs again, looking exhausted.

    Terry looks concerned.

    TERRY

    Who's doing all this to you? Maybe I can -

    DUNCAN

    (inpatiently)

    No, dad, you cant.

    Terry leans back and thinks for a moment.

    TERRY

    Son, Ive always tried to teach you to stand up for yourself. Sometimes its really hard...Too hard...But it has to be done, sometimes. You go up to whoever is doing all of this to you, and give em hell! And if it doesn't work, you can always come back here to recuperate for the next battle.

    Terry reaches across the table and puts his hand over Duncans.

    TERRY (CONT)

    I'll always be here for you, you know that, right?

    Duncan smiles at Terry, and nods, choked up.

    DUNCAN

    Yeah, yeah I do! Thank you, dad.

    Duncan gets up.

    DUNCAN

    I need to take care of something.

    TERRY

    Oh, are you going out again?

    DUNCAN

    No, Im going to the bathroom!

    Duncan leaves the room. Terry shakes his head.

    TERRY

    I have a weird kid.

    cut to:

    int. Duncan's house - bathroom - night

    Duncan walks into the bathroom with purpose, and looks squarely into the mirror.

    DUNCAN

    Come here, you! Come on, you son of a bitch!

    Duncan looks on at his reflection, waiting for a reaction.

    DUNCAN

    Come on! You ready for round two? Lets go, motherfucker!

    Duncan's reflection poses in the mirror.

    reflection

    Oh, hello there! I've just been busy in your world, seeing the sights.

    Duncan smirks.

    duncan

    (sarcastically)

    Yeah? And how do you like it there? Up to your no doubt high expectations?

    The Reflection adopts a contemplative expression.

    Reflection

    Hmmm...Well, the gym is a lot more friendly. And so is your neighbor.

    The reflection grins. Duncan frowns angrily.

    DUNCAN

    You stay away from her!

    reflection

    Why? Ive gotten way farther than you ever did, and she thinks its you, so whats the big deal? Im doing you a favor; thats how I look at it, anyway.

    Duncan angrily lunges at the mirror. Again, he dissapears into it.

    cut to:

    EXT. DUNCANS HOUSE - AFTERNOON

    Duncan climbs out of a puddle on the ground. He looks to see his reflection lunging towards him in the puddle, he splashes it away.

    Marissa (O.S)

    Duncan?

    Duncan turns to Marissa suddenly. Marissa keeps her distance, arms crossed, looking analytically at Duncan. Duncan smiles

    DUNCAN

    Hey.

    MARISSA

    I thought something was wrong. I'll leave you alone.

    Marissa turns away from Duncan to walk away.

    DUNCAN

    Wait what? I don't want to be left alone. I mean, wait, I'm confused.

    Marissa sharply turns around, throws arms to side, clenching fists.

    MARISSA

    Duncan, what you said today was fucked up and you just stand there with a smile on your face like it's nothing. You're a real asshole!

    DUNCAN

    What did-

    Duncan looks at where the puddle was. His shadow is over the area and giving him the middle finger.

    DUNCAN

    You biiiitch.

    MARISSA

    Fuck you Duncan!

    Duncan looks back up at Marissa who starts walking away fast. Duncan reaches out to her.

    DUNCAN

    Marissa wait! I don't understand what's been happening with me. I just- I'm sorry!

    Marissa turns around and walks backwards slowly.

    MARISSA

    Well when you figure out what's wrong with you, then MAYBE we'll talk.

    Large distance between Duncan and Marissa as she continues to walk away. Duncan scuffs the ground fast where his shadow is. Distance gets larger when Duncan walks in the opposite direction.

    Cut To

    INT. DUNCAN'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

    A reality show plays on the TV. Terry struggles to reach the remote on the floor. Duncan walks in the house quickly, ignoring Terry, and out of the living room.

    TERRY

    Duncan!

    Duncan walks back in the living room, not looking at his father, stiff posture.

    TERRY (CONT)

    You took your sweet ass time getting back here.

    Duncan stands stiff and expressionless.

    TERRY (CONT)

    You got a problem? Look at me when I'm talking to you boy!

    Terry throws a bag of empty chips at Duncan. Terry looks at Duncan's empty hands.

    TERRY (CONT)

    Did you even get the Bengay?! God dammit Duncan! I ask you to do one thing, one god damn thing and you can't even do it! I give you everything you ungrateful little bitch! You're lucky I don't know what red light district your mother is in because I'd throw yourout in a heartbeat!

    Terry slaps the arm rest of his chair. Duncan expressionless.

    TERRY (CONT)

    Now pick up that remote before I get pissed off!

    Duncan looks down at Terry.

    DUNCAN

    Stand up and get it.

    TERRY

    What did you say to me?!

    DUNCAN

    I said stand up and get it you lazy piece of shit!

    Terry is frozen for a brief moment.

    TERRY

    That's i-

    DUNCAN

    Shut up! Just shut up! I didn't get the Bengay for your remote finger being that it's the only possible part of your body that could have joint problems!

    Terry leans forward in his chair.

    Duncan (Cont)

    And by the way, mom's not a whore, she's dead! At least she doesn't have to stay with a worthless fat ass living of disability.

    Duncan walks to the TV, turns it off, stands in front of it.

    DUNCAN (CONT)

    Stand up and get the remote! I'm begging you, get up!

    Terry glares at Duncan, seeing his own reflection in the TV. His reflection stands up. Terry looks at Duncan then back at his relection. Terry's feet touches the ground and he stands.

    Cut To Black
     
    • Like Like x 2
  2. I didn't see any nudes. 0 fcuks given. :pipebomb:
     
    • Like Like x 1
  3. Pretty sure the reflection went bare ass in the gym scene
     
  4. As I said. I did not SEE anything. You sir have disappointed me. GOOD DAY KIND SHREW! :tough:
     
  5. [​IMG]
     
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Urrr, it was...
    [​IMG]
     
  7. I liked it
     
  8. I have one thing. Cause I only read the beginning but I want to address this. What made the dad say STOP JACKING OFF. Duncan just got into the restroom and started peeing. DOUCHEBAG TERRY.
     
  9. You should also post this on hitrecord.org
    They might remake it or something into an actual short movie.
     
  10. Lol i do that
     
  11. There was supposed to be like a grunting noise, i think i took it out in the rewrite