Rain's making a half-assed attempt at stealing Dolph's's thread. (long raw review)

Discussion in 'RAW' started by Snowman, Jul 3, 2012.

  1. So, the show opens with a Big Show highlight package, and when you're doing one of the most rudimentary things in wrestling, a beat-down, and the WWE Video Crew can't make that shit look convincing or interesting, get the fuck off TV. Go away, Big Show... Speaking of things that should go away, Nickelback plays. Lawler speaks. Teddy's announced as GM. Cena's music hits. Within 5 minutes, I went from optimistic to just dreading the hour and 30 minutes worth of crap I have to sit through (thanks for uploading, Big Hoss!)

    Cena's promo was fine but the script sucked ass. The only thing that came to mind was why Heath Slater wasn't given an opportunity to do this last year... no man is bigger than the WWE. Le wild Daniel Bryan appears, er, why? That was kinda random? WWE's unintentional top face. CM Punk on the 1 Year Anniversary of his shoot! Is he going to tear down the Fourth Wall again? No, he's going to rip off Hulk Hogan and do a terrible Yes Chant rendition. LOLWWE. Big pop for Jericho, but calling the current Punk a wannabe just makes you look terrible. Fuck CM Punk. "WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP!" Marking. Marking hard. Marking like crazy! Here's Kane! :russo: End this. He says one word lololol. Big brawl. Big Show stands triumphant? Is WWE actually give heat to a heel, or wasting their time because Big Show sucks? So conflicted.

    Charlie Sheen? Don't care. MOVE GET IT GET IT GET IT GET IT That's Right! Prime time... wait, an Eight Man Tag? Ladies and gentlemen, Teddy Long! Man, Cody Rhodes has fallen hard. So embarassing that he's part of this mess. Heel side has Otunga, so they're losing. What, R-Truth is back? Huh? Thought his foot was broken... This match is so pointless. Yeah, they announced the MITB Tag Match, but there are easier ways to do so. Obligatory clusterfuck. "We Don't Need This!" Amen to that! Yeah, Rhodes, you don't either! Marking for people leaving this shit storm. *Says quick eulogy for Big Hoss Rambler, as he's drowning in his own tears*. Babyface beatdown. Otunga burial. Why? ADR's the #1 Contender? Why? There goes the WWE Title MITB. "Teddy Long's Surprise?" Oh shit, that's got to be the worst cliffhanger of all time.

    This 1000th Episode thing is actually funny. Sin Cara vs ADR? That's actually pretty interesting. What is the crowd chanting? ADR humping Sin Cara's arm and somehow injuring him... if that finisher didn't look so retarded and wasn't buried at Wrestlemania 27, this may actually work. Nice knowing ya, Sin Cara. Say hi to your buddy Hunico for me. Here's AJ, being intelligent. Heel turn coming, Bryan's the new WWE Champion! YES! YES! YES!

    Heyman! Stephanie McMahon may be the key to making any joke funny. And all this build to Heyman's appearance was just a way to put over the 100th raw? Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Heyman's actually doing the impossible and making me give a damn about this, but I'm sure my mind will change tomorrow, he's just a boss. Kane and Big Show and the Mixed Tag Announced?

    I woke up 2 hours later in a daze, accidentally KO'ing myself with a facepalm. And my mind's already changed, I don't care about Brock vs God or this mixed tag. "The Board Of Directors Is Listening to the Fans" Like hell they are. They care less about the fans than anyone does about that No DQ match later. Don't bullshit us. They're playing up tension between AJ and Vickie??? Why? They have no reason to hate each other! NONE OF THIE FEUDS ON THIS SHOW MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE! Stop bullshitting the fans, Cole, 18 Seconds was no record. Sheamus annihilates Dolph... WWE's Biggest Jobber. Retarded ass booking... Hey, since the Board of Directors cares about the fans so much, can they add a "One Yes Chant Per Show" limit? Punk ignored the match, just like I'd love to ignore this dumbass feud.

    Heath Slater Video Package FTW! Slater's having so much fun doing this. Doink the Clown? Get the fuck off my TV, we already have Santino, Big Show and John Cena playing the same role. So some people spent 75 Full Days watching this shit? HOLY SHIT SLATER WON! YES! YES! YES! Oh hell yeah, Diamond Dallas Page! This show just got badass. No Holds Barred? WWE promoting a TNA Star FTW.

    Hey John Cena, can you make my wish and go away? No more MITB Members? Facepalm. No DQ match for no reason! :russo: This is my first time watching Raw in HD, and it'll definitely be my last. Big Show in HD should not ever be seen. EVER. Match has no point whatsoever, so not watching it. If I was in charge, the top heel I'd push would be young, relevant, over, entertaining, useful, athletic, charismatic, can talk, can pull off rudimentary things... Big Show has none of these qualities.

    "The chair bounced off the skull of Kane!" Where is Josh Matthews? Get this idiot off of commentary. Here's the sexy executive slut... Hot Damn! Whatever deity is out there, thank you for putting that woman together. AJ appears... Lessons learned from Raw: Even when TNA does something retarded like the Styles/Daniel/Claire/Dixie nonsense, WWE will one-up them with something more ridiculous. And... here's what I've been waiting for. YAY TYSON! Just noticed this was the first match of the show that feels relevant at all, we're at 1 hour and 7 minutes by the way. Never mind, here's Fat Albert, it'll be a big burial. Fuck. Shit. Ass. Dammit. Wait what is this? The underdog story continues?! OH FUCKING FUCK YES! Marking like crazy. Running in circles. Screaming. Waking up neighbors. Worried the police will come.

    In other news... good god, get Michael Cole off commentary. "Lol, This is the first time he's won on Raw in 2 years".

    And, then we cut away to what I think is the 6th yes chant on the show. Leave it to WWE to take something amusing in small doses and overdo it all to hell. Main Event Time... what is there to say? It's irrelevant filler, just like all of Teddy's Tag Matches... There's the obligatory AJ interference, and wait, what is this? A cheesy, retarded fake suicide attempt. Painful facepalm number 2. Holy shit, AJ just put them both through the table... Not a bad ending, it's a shame that it's part of this storyline that I don't care about and especially after teasing something as retarded as an AJ suicide attempt via table spot. Really, WWE?

    2/10.
     
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  2. better than the show :yay:


    :true:
     
  3. RE:

    Feel like I was trying to be too much of a Dolph's copycat here, it's usually better to distance yourself from sounding like Dolph's in one of these, or you're just going to seem second-rate.

    I wanted a combination of serious booking stuff and ranting, but there was no booking stuff to add since it was all random pointless crap, so I just had to shit all over everything, and it's hard to distance yourself after that. Plus the whole thing with marking for the Tyson Kidd win was a straight rip.

    But thanks, Pedo-Vince. Thanks for reading my stuffs. :yay:
     
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  4. Hilarious reading that, all true too. But you missed the best thing on the night.

    YES
    EVER AGAIN
    YES
    AGAIN
    YES
    AGAIN
    YES
    AGAIN

    Marked so hard during that.
     
  5. Haha lol nice review. I think you covered everything and it's all true. I see my name mentioned twice. :win:
     
  6. Nice review Rain. I agree completely, I must say I also marked hard for the Kidd win. And for the DB/Jericho segment. Those were the highlights of the show along with Slater winning and DDP.
     
  7. RE:

    The segment itself was fine, but there were what, 15 YES! chants on that show? That was way overdone, by the time that segment rolled around they got really irritating.

    Thanks, Hoss! They wound up with 9 black peoplein that segment too.

    Leo, agree with that for sure... but you didn't like everyone leaving that pointless tag match? Guess I just liked seeing the characters seem like they were as tired of WWE's booking as we are.
     
  8. It did work well as a metaphore.
     
  9. Thats me caught up on RAW in a two min read instead of the full torture of watching it thanks pal! :)
     
  10. Rain > D'Z
     
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