Well since I'm dealing with insomnia issues and a sore throat from having the WWE App shoved down it, guess I'll go ahead and post my 5/17 Impact Review! Time to get Dailymotion going... oh, wait, it was 5/16. Never mind, damn. Record time for the first botch! "Previously on Impact Wrestling: Bray Wyatt returned with a mask... El Generico debuted and may have been even more awesome without the mask... oh, shit, wrong show. Abyss returned with a mask even though he certainly is more awesome without it." We better get some Park action tonight, and maybe a reveal of who Park and Park are. Lessons learned from Impact #1: If you're trying to negotiate with someone you really really really need to fight off a biker gang, don't trust a bunch of drunks. Dammit Angle and Storm, you guys are the worst negotiators since those guys on Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Oh yay, there's the infamous toilet flush and recycled wCw theme music, time for the almighty Hulkster, brotherjackdude. "I AM SHOCKED... THAT HULKAMANIA IS THIS CRAZY... IN TUPELO MISSISSIPPI BROTHER." Yeah, me too, they keep showing shots of these kids wearing red and yellow who weren't even born when you were relevant. Did that guy's shirt say "fuck mma?" Oh, no, Ecko MMA... I'd totally wear a "fuck MMA" shirt just to say I got the F-word on national TV. "And I'm not ashamed to say that TNA has been under the microscope lately", well, you should be. #FuckMarkMadden, oh, you mean Abyss? He saved us from a "dark day in TNA history", so he chokeslammed Mark Madden? Put that on PPV. Okay, enough jokes, Abyss's theme is awesome. Dun-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-la-la-la-la... it's like Fandango, except YES JOSEPH PARK! And not a moment too soon! Park's such a great actor, he's so convincing that he knows what's going on despite the fact that he IS Abyss... in and out of kayfabe that's just awesome. Here's Devon wanting some revenge, fine... wait, he's actually making a logical complaint about Abyss not being the legal man? This is why I love you TNA. "YOU BETTER GET OUTTA MY WAY FATBOY! is awesome... wait, wrong one, So we got Hogan's daughter being stuck with Devon's brother who's running from Park's brother... holy shit, would hate to see that family reunion. PARK GET THA TABLES. Ooooh, Joey's getting really pissed! This is so awesome. There's so many things you can do with Park, him showing off his pissed off side and forgetting his nervousness is totally fresh right now, and just because of that, I can't wait for Park vs Devon... Oh, shit that's happening now! I CAN'T CONTAIN MY... aww, dammit it's not happening. Screw you Hogan. Brother. Park vs D'Lo Brown? Feel like Peter in that episode of Family Guy turned off by TBS... Wait, the match'll happen if Park wins? And he'll have to deal with the entire Park family? HOLY SHIT JAMES MITCHELL RETURN... oh, wait, how did James Mitchell spawn Joseph? Haha. Here's Cowboy, either pissed off at Threetune, but probably just embarassed over premature ejaculation issues... well, if only he'd stop drinking... As much as having three tag teams sucks TNA's Tag Division is the most entertaining thing in wrestling not on NXT. ROOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDEEEEEEEEE! Have you ever walked down a dark alley listening to his theme on your Ipod? Me neither... speaking of good songs for your Ipod, Chavo's theme! Whenever you're bored by something, whether it's waiting in line at the DMV, watching paint dry, etc, half-way through blast Chavo's theme in your ears... it makes everything around you fucking exhilarating by comparison. Wait, the fans are popping for Chavo? Why? Oh, yeah, he's a Guerrero baby. Gotta admit he's awfully agile for his age, even though he's a walking buzzkill he impresses me in the ring tbh... but Roode's awesome out of that ring, dodging that hurricanrana like a boss! Hey Dolph's, how long has it been since we've had a good Shit Factor chant? This crowd sucks, think this was the first time the Three Amigos have been cheered, but then Chavo taunts and pays the price... Oh dammit go away Cowboy. Even us in Tennessee are tired of you... Well, spitting the beer in Roode's face always gives me a nostalgia pop, but still. You aren't welcome in this feud, dammit. Chavo when you kindly go away take Cowboy with you. Up next: Kurt Angle talks to AJ Styles... umm, Doesn't Kurt have a really bad track record with shit like this? Recently he was trusted to babysit Garett and Wes, that worked out GREAT. Dammit, Dailymotion, why must you play a Taco Bell ad? That's the worst place on earth! It's hell, deal with hell at the Bell. Angle vs AJ Styles at Slammiversary? Oh brother. That oughta be a big-time asset to the card, oh, no, are we getting it tonight? Dammit all, Kurt... If you're trying to bring AJ back to the light, being such a dick probably isn't the best way to go about it... What's Angle doing, steroids? AJ Styles isn't a woman! Maybe offer him a free trip to the tattoo parlor to remove that ugly ass tattoo he has on the side of him. That'll work better than this. Rejected country music plays, Aids Anderson comes out. "What are you, a woman"? LOL, the irony. Patching in next week? That's sure to go great! But hell, that'll make Angle vs AJ more interesting? Oh, wait, here's AJ, in black, but not in A&8 garb... No matter what I see in wrestling, I'll never see ANYTHING more impressive than the way AJ's hood flies on his head every times he hits that Enziguri. This angle's hot again, thank goodness! It's compelling TV. I actually want AJ in Aces and Eights, leaving Morgan to be TNA's savior... oh, wait, Fuck you Sting. Jay Bradley! Forgot about the Gut Check thing! Either he or Sam Shaw should win. Or Alex Silva if they need a jobber. Or... who's the other guy? York? Kewl. Oh so it's just York vs Bradley? Bradley please. York's really unimpressive outside of just being a different guy in the X-Division, but Bradley's really ugly. His ring work looks aggressive and solid so far, he's nowhere near Kid Kash level but he's a suitable replacement. Christian's still his typical powerful self. Expect a lawsuit from Steen over the use of the cannonball, if you need a lawyer, you know who to call. (David Otunga, clearly.) Nice little Joe-esque counter by Bradley into a meathook finisher? Needs a little work but I can run with this guy. Weak ass promo from Bradley and we're done here... oh, and Alex Silva wants his hair back that Justin Gabriel still wants back. Up next: Gail Kim vs Velvet Sky? For free? On TV? Not at Slammiversary? Guess I can roll with that. Velvet vs Taryn is at least new, this has been done to death. MORE COWBOY PRETAPES. How much of this guy are we going to get tonight... okay, mock Hogan and I'll forgive your presence on my TV. Where is Bully in the clubhouse? Damn, Christy Hemme's looking phen... dammit Rain, shut up, don't want fatasses on Twitter making a public stink out of you too... But it's the zoom up that's always so damn sexy! CAMERA MAN, MADDEN COMING FOR YOU NIGGA. Ugh, I really don't care about the Knockouts right now. Just dump everyone and start all over. Oh shit, there's Bully! Dammit I'm actually marking to see Brooke now because Bully's usually right behind there to be an asshole, and I'm loving every second of it. Bully ain't even saying shit and he's coming across as such a dick. BOO I HATE YOU GAIL FOR YOUR GOD-GIVEN TALENT AND GREAT WRESTLING ABILITY! HOW DARE YOU NOT BE A PAIR OF TITS ON A STICK. Well, Velvet tries, she just can't do it. Add Gail's Texas Cloverleaf to the things that look better than Miz's Figure 4. Sick top-rope move from Velvet, she's busted out several good moves... and most of you stopped reading with "busted out" How odd is it that we've seen Gail's boobs but not Velvet's? Wait, Gail jobs to an injured Velvet? Add Gail's Figure 4 to the list of things that look better than Miz's, but Gail does it quite well just like she does everything quite well. Another X-Division promo! Any way we can get King vs Sabin at Slammiversary, one on one? As great as Petey is this is just too good not to do. Kenny King's TNA's Alex Riley, except so much better. Anyone with eyes can tell this guy's so much better than just the X-Division. Sorry about your blindness Testify, hope they find a cure for it soon. Hey, look, Suicide. We all missed you, surely. Wonder who's playing it, is it Kaz or Daniels again? Maybe they can fit Sonjay in there? Oh, the X-Title match is right now? FUCK YEAH! This is gonna be good! "You know you mad too, cause you ain't me, just another day at the office, I'm gonna punch you Sabin" King's gold. Lets see how good Sabin can do working a safer style, don't want him hurt again... love this. Kenny's being cocky and Sabin keeps one upping him haha, now Kenny's one upping Sabin's one-upping, countering his counters before Petey counters his counters and does gets back in the fray. Not many crazy spots in this match, not overly-choreographed but the action's fast and furious and this is kinda better. Sabin's looking awfully athletic and his ring rust is going away. Why is the ref wearing a fed... The Canadian Destroyer got destroyed, and my puns are growing stale. I need to turn face! Dammit. That fireman's carry was sick, and so was that flying knee. King retains and dammit his theme is fucking awful, do we really have to hear that? Sabin's high-risk offense is gone but he's looking just as good without it, awesome match, can't wait for the rematch we better get. Here's the obligatory Bad Influence promo! Yay! Aww, no good taglines, just "superkaz". Blegh. Oh, well, at least they're doing something logical. "Holy crap, Storm's gonna interfere! Hey, can you come help and keep him away? Kthxbai". Wonder why wrestlers don't think of that more often, you know... anyone going up against the Aces and Eights... Man, we are getting a lot of Ken Anderson tonight! Is this leading to something? DANIELSKAZKAZDANIELSdammithernandezgoaway. He looks dumb as hell with that title around that chain on his neck, I'd be tempted to strangle him but Mark Madden would probably bitch about that, too. Daniels doesn't have the same athleticism he used to but he's still the most entertaining guy in the bus-i-ness. Hernandez you is still a stiff fuck, how dare you try your high-spots! Man if you dare injure Daniels there will be no mercy haha nice one Kaz. He ain't even being shy about it, he's just interfering 'cause he can. "This guy Hernandez recovers quickly from damage" so he knows Recover, or is he holding Leftovers? He said that when he was doing a shoulder-tackle... he calls himself superman... he doesn't stay down long... Hey, this sounds familiar! Oh crap, here's Cowboy. Hernandez wins. Title match announcement? Chavo vs Hernandez... vs Aries and Roode... vs Daniels and Kazarian, no not this again, hell no... Oh, Cowboy's in the match too? And a partner of his choice? My money's on ODB. Ooh, Fast Six? Looks like I've seen this movie before about five times. Okay, so D-Lo apologized to Garett and Wes earlier, so how are they going to get involved here? And Joey Park is coming out in his typical comical style, kinda disappointed by that for the only time ever. D'Lo's been demoted to "prospect", oh, so guess Devon's the VP now. Or is it Anderson? Scratch that, I really don't care. Holy crap, Devon lifted up Park's fat ass? Impressive. We need a wrestler named Linkin to team with Park. "LETS GO PARK" followed by one fatass in the crowd yellling "D-Lo Brown", wait, Shining Wizard from D'Lo and he made it look easy... diving clothesline, he's looking good! Oh, never mind, he's blown up. Shocker, he's still old as hell. Nice roll up Joey! Joseph Park for Divas' Champion. Oh shit... Joseph's seeing his own blood again... da-dadadadada-da-da-da-da... *RAWR BLACK HOLE SLAM* GG D'Lo. Is it D'Lo or D-Lo? Whatever it is guess this means he's out of Aces and Eights. I really don't care. I feel bad for Sting's makeup designer, must take like an hour every week to do that shit and there's no way it's worth it. Contract signing next... will they get me interested in this match? Hahaha, no. Ultimate X at Slammiversary! HELL YEAH! Er, as long as Sabin doesn't get re-injured HELL YEAH THAT'S GONNA BE AMAZING, aww shit Suicide's in there. Bully's out here to steal the LOL GET 'EM. Bully just shoved dude halfway across the ring, he can do no wrong! That's freaking awesome, but why oh why must you wear that little chain? See, Hernandez, you don't have to wear your title like that, you look much more badass without it. Swear I pop every time anyone beside Hogan uses "brother", or when Bully uses "Dad" or talks about screwing his daughter holy cow there's a whole lot of family elements to this show. We're ready here for our main event here at Slammiversary 1999 2013. Bust me open, dislocate my shoulder, break my bones... what's he going on about... "Oh, I'm gonna make you BLEED in Boston!" Yay, WWE is making TNA promos easy! No Holds Barred? Awesome! Anyone can have a good No Holds Barred match, even Frank the Jock can beat Crayo with a bunch of shit and make it entertaining Ooh, Bully has a stipulation? "When I beat you in Boston, you never ever wrestle for the World Heavyweight Champion again!" YES! BEAT HIS ASS BULLY! DESTROY HIM! BEAT HIM FROM LIMB TO LIMB! No interference. No bullshit. Just Bully beating that ass and Sting going away! Please do this TNA. I will love you forever.