Pouring down wisdom upon Impact: A Long Ass Review

Discussion in 'TNA iMPACT! (2011-2015)' started by Snowman, Mar 2, 2013.

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  1. So after a while of being sick and screwing up my sleep schedule, as well as trying to avoid little spoilers flying around everywhere like bullents in a war zone, Ima gonna sit down and do an Impact live blog to rip off Aids who ripped of D'Z and screwing Crayo out of having more posts on his beloved forum. The only thing I know is that @GrammarNazi82 told me there was apparently a dick on the show this week, probably Anderson. There's a dick on the show most weeks, dear. His name's Kurt Angle.

    So, nothing's been spoiled and I feel relieved to boot up Dailymotion. Lets see if the big-voiced game show host can get me excited: Previously on Impact Wrestling, Aces and Eights' path of rage continues, but Hogan had a solution... Not off to a flying start. Be positive, Rain, be positive, don't hate on everything... Mike Tenay: "Brooke Hogan's been manhandled" :lol1: Some idiot cameraman put a mic in Brooke's face, who stumbled and bumbled until Bully mercifully cut her off... yeah, that was improvised. Bully said "Yeah, enough talking" before walking through the door... and out to the ring... to talk. Didn't think I could be a bigger Bully mark, but Taz bolting as soon as he comes out? That'll do it. My goodness Bully's phenomenal, he made a promo including "The Aces and Eights have been running roughshod over TNA" and "Last week was supposed to be great, with the in-ring return of Hulk Hogan" sound awesome. That's no small feat. Here's Hardy, come on, just let Bully run him down. Love how Bully even addressed the nepotism plothole there, CRAP they gave Hardy a mic. :facepalm1: "Great to be back on Impact, in the ZONE!" Ugh, really? With the Aces and Eights it's easy to forget about their history, love how that's a YAY BAD INFLUENCE! YES! Daniels in a Spiderman outfit, haha. "Someone's gotta rub tanning lotion on Brooke's back and tweet tasteless photos of her" Did they just go there? They didn't just go there did they? Can't stop laughing... "Real Men don't drink freaking Appletini's" Can't stop marking. Tag match playa. 10/10 segment

    After an awesome little pretape from Magnus (promos in TNA feel so genuine!), Taz isn't back! Guess he's in the back cleaning up the Preperation H that fell off his ass. Rewatched that, and Gail's #1 Contender at Lockdown? TNA better highlight that because NOBODY caught Tenay saying that, nobody catches anything Mike Tenay randomly says. Tara seems really happy as the former champion, and Velvet has a new #1 top so she can point at her boobs. Subtle. Why is Gail feuding with Taryn? Is Taryn going to wrestle? NO. NO. NO. NO. PLEASE N... Well, it is a new knockout after all. And for all the people in the match to start stripping, it had to be Jessie, didn't it? This is frustrating watching a long-time well-respected wrestler like Tara reduced to being clueless without a D-List celeb, and being outsmarted by a stripper. Well, another stripper, anyway.

    YAY ARIES! A 3-Way tag match confirmed? Where is Zeb Coulter when you need him? WDT vs Bad Influence = MOTYC, WDT vs Bad Influence vs Los Stereotypicos = Meh. Chavo sucks, yet another abysmal promo from him. TNA is risking their talent sticking Aries in the ring with Botchnandez... dammit. Then some Kenny King awesomeness, and RVD ruins that. Would seriously mark if Aces and Eights attack him. Dammit, Taz is back from the buffet table. Time to mute the show. ARIES! :dawg: HERNANDEZ! :downer: Hilarious match, Aries' antics are just awesome, he can make anything hilarious, and he's always HQ. He's the TNA version of Aids. EDDIE'S TAUNT! FROG SPLASH! :lol1: Cue butthurt Chavo in 3...2...1... Oh, no, he didn't come, yay! Aries copies an Eddie with the fake belt shot followed by more cheating finish for a 1-2-3.

    Joey Park wants to be in Team TNA. "Kayfab the ribs". Morgan still exists. Up next, Sheamus RVD got away from the pub couch, put down the green beer and crumpets green herb and potato chips to squash another promising young talent in unimpressive fashion squash another promising young talent in unimpressive fashion. Jobber entrance for King, fitting. Shut the hell up Taz. Really cba to watch this if it wasn't for the review, lol @ the "You Screwed Bret" chants. King dropkicks Blahb out of the ring as he's pointing at himself, happens every time, so don't be such an egotistical dumbass kids! They're really putting over King leaving the X if he loses, guess he's done for then. :downer: Keneley: "The Champ's on fire, can he blaze it up with the Five-Star Frog Splash" :lol1: 450? LOL MISS! ONE... TWO... THREE!!!! NEW X-Division Champi... what? No? RVD BOTCHED BEING PINNED? God dammit, end this reign already. Or did he... so confusing. Royal Flush, don't kick oH YES! YES! YES! HE DID IT! HE DID IT! *Runs down the street in uncontrollable celebration* THE WORST X-DIVISION TITLE REIGN IN HISTORY IS OVER! BEHOLD THE GLORY OF KK... er, K2... er, Hope his title reign goes All Night Long... wait, that would be bad. Kenny King is champion! :yay: Now all he needs is a catchphrase that actually works here.

    Marking so hard... there's nothing that can ruin this ep.. Hey, look, here's a Hogan update... nope, not gonna ruin it... and here's A&8MB... come on Rain, breathe, this won't piss you off... Taz: "Sting'll find a hard time finding grapplers to compete against our boys" :haha: Kurt Angle's known as the best grappler in the world, and your lineup is complete trash. So it's 5-on-5 now? Okay, that's cool. I'm not going to cover this since every time Aces and Eights open their mouths they say something that frustrates me, and I'm trying to keep this humorous. Sting, we know you're setting up Hogan, make this quick and painless... Oh god, Eric Young's back. :facepalm: The one person who can actually replace Hogan and leave me disappointed. Obligatory beatdown... Wait a minute, Eric Young's actually having a serious character? OH HELL YES! Mark out moment #3 of the night, Impact's just throwing the awesome right at you tonight.

    So Sofia Cortez is actually getting a chance to show her skills, she seemed pretty solid on NXT but you couldn't really tell. "I've got everything it takes to be a top star" Psh, you're a few cup sizes too short, sister. Angle's running down the Aces and Eights? Train, meet wall. Never heard of this Tamina-looking chick, but if she's been wrestling for 2 years this looks like it's all about Sofia or whatever she's called now. She should wear less makeup. It's odd hearing about how this chick "wanted to do this to impress her mother who was unhappy about her being a wrestler", then she plays a psycho character for the whole match and screams around like Umaga. NOW THAT"S A HURRICANRANA! Take that Cena, you got one-upped by a girl. Again. And Lady's probably got a bigger dick than you. Yeah Sofia will be signed, she played the babyface in peril role well and she'll get over.

    DOUBLE DOSE OF ARIES AWESOMENESS! :yay: AJ Styles next? Amazing how the TNA roster right now is so stacked that one-time smart mark hero AJ Styles seems like he's the furthest thing from our minds. Love this storyline. And here's Heath Slater and Mason Ryan the Robbies. Yes, I'm using this gag twice. Not sure what will happen but as long as we get to see Little Rob be a pussy again this'll be great television! Hogan oughta sue Robbie for his use of Bro, "blah blah blah bro, blah blah blah bro...". LOL ROBBIE :haha: Didn't see that one coming. "YOU'RE A PIECE OF GARRRRBAAAAAAAAGE", I wish someone would make a video of just that... Oh shit here's Terry, and damn Robbie's the best jobber ever. Lets blow this off next week and not throw this on PPV.

    TRIPLE DOSE OF ARIES AWESOMENESS! :yay: "Tell Brooke hello for me!" ME is next, Bad Influence have jobbed like 50 times in a row and they still belong right in the Main Event. Kazamania is running wild, bay-bay. Only they can make Gangnam Style look cool now, hahaha here we go... damn you Bully! How dare you interHAHAHAHAHA! Bully mocks 'em and does a Pelvic Thrust of his own, someone gif that whole thing so we can enjoy it without Taz ruining it by saying "He's a hot dog, shut up Tood, he's a hot dog". WHY IN THE BLUE HELL ARE YOU STILL ON COMMENTARY? I want Daniels' gloves. Match was kinda WWE-formulaic for a while, but Bad Influence keep the action fast and fresh. It's official, they can't screw anything up. You are now free to worship them, too. DOOMSDAY DEV... nah, Hardy's not that athletic, Electric Chair into Swanton.
    Incredible impact, everything was entertaining.

    Oh, wait, now Angle's gonna ransack the A&8's clubhouse by himself... well, him and the cameraman. So it's not Bully after all? Angle's just yelling "How could you? How could you?" Taz putting the beatdown over even though their leader was unmasked, ugh. Let the speculation begin! Or continue, since I was watching this on delay.

    8.5/10 Impact, hopefully this was a 9/10 review. +5 rep from both Aids and myself for anyone who actually read all of this garbage, haha. Peace.
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  2. Great review Rain. Marked out when RVD lost too :dawg:
  3. This was the best review ever posted on this forum.
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  4. [​IMG]

    I'm AA of the forum? :obama: Thanks brother.
  5. Agreed.
  6. Gotta love Aries. Nothing anyone does in TNA even touches the greatness of his antics.
  7. Amazing review Rain, thoroughly entertaining throughout. Plus you made me remember Kaz's incredible comment on Hogan's photos of Brooke :win:
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  8. :lol1: Epic review is epic. Can't believe I missed this before. VERY nicely done. SO hilariously entertaining, and I love the markout moments. Also:

    Love seeing that ADD moment in the review. :lol1:
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  9. Hahaha! not sure if it was ADD or just Bad Influence commanding my attention away from whatever else I was typing.

    But yeah, I'd gladly fake ADD for you. :crosses heart:

    Anyway, thanks for all the positive comments. And thank you R'Albin for reminding me of that amazing comment post-thread bump. That was unbelievable, still marking like a week later.
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