News SmackDown – Abridged


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In which O’s a bad friend.

discount Marvel movie intro, then/now/whatever

here’s a heel dad with money


SHANE: hey ring dude say the thing

RING DUDE: BEST IN THUH WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD

SHANE: Roman facepunched Vince, basically wrecked rount mushmore

BEAR: um

SHANE: so Roman’s gonna fight, get him out here

here’s ROMAN

ROMAN: not talkin

SHANE: neat let’s fight one on one

ROMAN: really

ELIAS: pshh nah

ROMAN: welp time to overcome things

he in fact does not

ROMAN: huh that usually works

meanwhile backstage

SHANE: yay we did a thing

ELIAS: yep

DASHA: hey Kofi, you’re fightin Shinsuke, first time since Mania, how bout that

KOFI: Universe rocks, got a belt

XAVIER: say it again

KOFI: got a belt

XAVIER: ONCE MORE WITH FEELING

KOFI: GOT A BEEEEEEEEEELT, also KO’s O now

O: I can jump big, New Day rocks

here’s FINN but first

VEGA: Andrade’s gonna beat Finn

ANDRADE: yep, cornerkicks

FINN: offense tho

VEGA: please don’t

FINN: huh

ANDRADE: ha it was a ruse, have twistyjumps

FINN: so it’s face in peril time

ANDRADE: yep

FINN face in perils til

FINN: ddt, cheststomp, ropekick, top rope

ANDRADE: rather ya didn’t, sunset flip

FINN: have the floor, imma jump

ANDRADE: have a corner, double knees pin

FINN: nah

VEGA: imma distract ya, top rope jump

FINN: dodge

ANDRADE: catch, I am very distracted

FINN: good, coup de grace pin

ANDRADE: k

ELIAS: imma siiiiiiiiiiing, wanna fight Roman at MITBBBBBBBB

SHANE: sounds great, let’s leave

here’s KAIRISUKA and PAIGE

TOM: btw Mandy and Sonya don’t like Paige now

suddenly IICONICS

PEYTON: Paige is a bad Nick Fury cause topical

BILLIE: Kairisuka sucks

PEYTON: drank lots of water so imma beat Kairi

IICONICS: future’s iiconic

PEYTON: here’s offense

KAIRI: adorable, insane elbow pin

PEYTON: k

suddenly MANDYSONYA or do I still call them ABSOLUTION idk

oh wait it’s JINDER instead

meanwhile in a very dark room


BLACK: I’m complex and stuff

GABLE: cool but imma fight Jinder now

suddenly LARS

LARS: nah, die

JINDER: um

LARS: also your jobbers

SINGHS: very ow

suddenly TRUTH

LARS: an idiot says what

TRUTH: what

LARS kills TRUTH

DASHA: hey Roman, Elias wants to fight ya at MITB, how bout that

ROMAN: sounds good

here’s CHARLOTTE

CHARLOTTE: fought at Mania, wasn’t pinned, should still have muh belt

suddenly THE MAN

THE MAN: but I pinned Ronda

CHARLOTTE: wasn’t pinned tho

THE MAN: pinned ya before, got two belts

CHARLOTTE: but you keep sayin Lacey’s like me so I’m in your head

THE MAN: hahahahahahaha nah, I’m in yours

CHARLOTTE: imma take your belt after Lacey

THE MAN: nah, back of the line

suddenly BAYLEY

BAYLEY: ooh an old feud, imma butt in, The Man should fight me

CHARLOTTE: how bout this tho, Bayley’s back of the line

BAYLEY: very nah, let’s fight to fight The Man

CHARLOTTE: very nah

BAYLEY: micslap, how bout now

CHARLOTTE: only if ya face in peril for a good bit

BAYLEY: kinda my thing

she does til

BAYLEY: imma rally

CHARLOTTE: but muh big boot pin

BAYLEY: nah

CHARLOTTE: I am anger

BAYLEY: suplex pin

CHARLOTTE: nah, gonna stomp the knee

BAYLEY: but have a corner, pin

CHARLOTTE: nah

BAYLEY: knee hurts, still imma top rope jump

CHARLOTTE: spear, pin

BAYLEY: k

DASHA: hey The Man, you’re fightin Charlotte later but Lacey’s fightin ya at MITB, how bout that

THE MAN: imma win tho

DASHA: hey The Man, Charlotte and Lacey are both great, how bout that

THE MAN: imma beat em both at MITB

here’s BRAY doin the creepy kid show host thing

TOM: MITB’s soon

here’s NEW NEW DAY, KOFI’s fightin SHIN, also RUSEV and LANA’s here

O, XAVIER: gonna eat pancakes and commentate

SHIN: imma run a bunch

KOFI: but I can jump a bunch and also legkick

SHIN: submissions tho

KOFI: top rope jump pin

SHIN: nah, gettin to the floor

KOFI: imma dive then

SHIN: kick’s in the way, have the floor, and the stairs

KOFI: dodged em

SHIN: not this kick tho, pin

KOFI: nah, come oooooooon

SHIN: that’s my deal, so’s strong style, have some

KOFI: k but cheststomp, trouble in p-

SHIN: dodge tho

KOFI: sos pin

RUSEV: nah

REF: k match’s done

O, XAVIER: cool our turn

unabridgeable chaos ensues til

KOFI: trouble in p-

O: very nah, heel time

O is now KO, KO kills KOFI

KOFI: very ow but imma rally

KO: don’t think so, apron p-

XAVIER: very nah

KO: I see we have a volunteer, apron powerbomb

XAVIER: very ow

BEAR: first rule of KO is don’t be his friend

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